


walk away as the door slams

by marklovezone



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, past markno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:21:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27614095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marklovezone/pseuds/marklovezone
Summary: "Yes, you're right. It's part of growing up, I suppose. You always have to leave something behind you."or: mark is back in town after three years.
Relationships: Mark Lee & Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	walk away as the door slams

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this back in 2018 but it was never finished till now. hope it lives up to yalls expectation

“The worst part wasn’t him leaving.”

Jaemin stares as the puffs of air leave his mouth. It’s cold again now that winter’s here. Christmas is soon, and it’s just another Christmas without him. Surely Jaemin should be over it by now, but how do you forget about someone who was more so your entire world? Jaemin lays there with his newfound friend, a kid named Jisung who’s wormed his way into his life and Jaemin has been stuck since.

“The worst part was I learned promises are meaningless. All those promises we made? Well let’s just say they were broken the minute he disappeared without a trace.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? You’re not the one who left.”

“Still. You deserve an explanation.”

Jaemin wonders if he’ll ever get one.

  
  
  
  
  


+

Mark’s been holed up in Jeno’s guest room for the past several days. He would be staying at a shitty motel if it were up to him, but Jeno had insisted. Mark won’t be in town for long, he’s only back for Johnny, something about wanting to spend Christmas together. Being back in town, it brings back a sort of comfort, but the feeling only lasts a millisecond before the dreadful guilt comes along. He’s reminded of the boy who had lived a few houses down, the boy he’d been familiarized with through a theatre class he’d been enrolled in, the very boy he promised he’d take with him if there were ever a way out for them to escape this shithole. Life has a funny way of working though, and they never did leave together.

But now Mark’s back. Funnily enough, Mark had seen him just last week when he was on his way to get groceries. He hadn’t seen Mark though, but not like it matters, Mark had turned right back around and decided he’ll get groceries another day. Mark hadn’t told Jeno about it, Na Jaemin is a sensitive topic for the both of them.

As much as Jeno cares, he knows that Mark would never see him the way he sees Jaemin. Mark and Jeno had tried dating, once, and needless to say it didn’t work out. It was a couple months before Mark had left. They had tried it out, seeing as the attraction was there, but that wasn’t enough seeing as the way Mark’s eyes wouldn’t light up around Jeno the way it does any time Jaemin would come in the room.

Jeno gets it. He gets that Mark wants to spend the rest of his time here without any complications, that he isn’t too keen on running into anybody, but Jeno also can’t stand to see his friend like this any longer.

They’re both in Jeno’s guest room now, Jeno had wanted to check on him, see how he was doing. Mark’s laying in bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Jeno clears his throat, to let his presence be known. “You gotta get out of bed some day.”

“Looks today is not that day.”

“Y’know.. he’s still around. Hasn’t stepped one foot outside of this town.”

Silence.

“Think he was waiting for you to return. That, or he gave up on leaving. Either way--”

“What’s that gotta fuckin’ do with anything, Jeno?”

“Just.” Jeno clasps his hands together, releases a short exhale. “You can’t go on avoiding him. Sooner or later you both will run into each other, and what happens then? You two need to talk. Frankly, you look like shit. I think--”

Mark cuts him off there. “You think what? Yo it’s not like I’m dying or something. I’ve been doing peachy, Jen. We’ll talk when we talk. But for now, how do you possibly think I can face him? You honestly think he even wants to see me? I’m sure he hates my guts. I would, if I were him. I don’t blame him either. I’m the one who broke our promise. It’s been, what, three years? Doesn’t seem long, but put yourself in his shoes. First, you begin to wonder why they aren’t messaging you back. Then you hope they’re okay, wherever they are. But soon enough, the worry turns into hatred, and you resent them for leaving without saying goodbye. I can’t face him, Jen. At least not now.”

“Well, you better prepare yourself. Christmas is coming up, and guess who’s Johnny inviting? You can run now, but you can’t run forever.”

  
  
  
  
  


+

_Jaemin found Mark a little interesting. He knew nothing about him, only knew that they didn’t live far from each other and that they went to the same school, but the way he composes himself makes Jaemin intrigued. Outside he seems intimidating, but seeing the way he interacts with others Jaemin knows he’s anything but. They do nothing more than glance at each other as they cross paths when they’re on their way to their respective classes. The first time they interact is when Jaemin’s two friends spot Mark and think he looks lonely, says they should go over there and see if he wants to be friends. It’s a mere handshake, but it sparks the beginning._

_They don’t grow closer until Mark’s final year before high school. Jaemin didn’t think Mark was the acting type. He knows Mark’s talented in everything he does, just from what the older kids will say, but acting wise, Jaemin isn’t sure._

_It’s right before their first big monologue. They end up partnering up to go over their lines, Mark looks as if he’s filled to the brim with anxiety. Jaemin comes to learn that Mark wasn’t meant to be in this class, he hadn’t even signed up for it, just seen ADVANCED THEA on the schedule and had to go with it. Mark confesses that he had thrown up earlier, kind of on the verge of throwing up again. Jaemin does the only thing he can do. He offers Mark his hand and tells him he can hold onto it until it’s his turn to perform._

_Mark’s name eventually gets called, and he’s hesitant to let go of Jaemin’s hand, but Jaemin encourages him with a “you’ll do great out there” that brings a shy smile to the boy’s face. Mark manages to finish without forgetting any of his lines. For someone who was so terrified of performing, Jaemin thinks he did a fine job. Mark has a big voice on stage, it’s euphonious and he has a way with articulating his emotions. Perhaps Mark does live up to the hype. When he goes back to his seat, Jaemin whispers a “good job” and from there, they grow inseparable._

  
  
  
  
  


The storm had caught Jaemin by surprise. He had been on his way to Johnny’s place for the Christmas party when it seemed to occur out of nowhere. He’s already late, and he could run and make it, but with this weather that doesn’t seem possible and he needs to find shelter quick before his clothes get completely ruined. As if luck is still on his side, he manages to find a rain canopy. He ducks inside to shield himself, seemingly stuck here till the storm passes. It’s big enough for three people, maybe more if they squeeze, and if the universe had told him he’d bump into the one person he’s been missing all these years, maybe he would have just risked it and ran to Johnny's.

The both of them still, staring as the rain hits the ground, unknowing of what to say; if there’s anything worth saying. More than wanting to know why he left, Jaemin wants to know how he’s been living. Where did he end up, has he been doing okay? He thinks maybe they’ll just stand there until the storm stops, but it’s Mark who asks how he's doing.

“Fine.”

Jaemin wants to sound anything but hostile, maybe Mark couldn’t tell him about leaving, maybe Jaemin’s texts had never delivered, but it’s hard. How does he let something like this go?

“You going to Johnny’s?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Same.”

They haven’t made eye contact once.

“Didn’t know you were back.”

“I’m leaving soon, don’t worry.”

Jaemin takes one look at him. Mark surely looks different. A little taller, his features matured, lost the bright aura about him. “I’m not worried,” he scoffs. “That’s what you’re good at anyway. Leaving.” By now the storm’s calmed down, he exits the shelter and heads back home.

  
  
  
  
  


+

_The plan to escape came to fruition when Jaemin entered high school. The thing about living in a town like theirs, everyone knows everything about everyone. It’s not like there’s any bad dirt on Mark, not like any of them know him very well either, but he’s always been in love with the idea of disappearing; to a place where no one knows him. Home life is quiet for the most part, and he loves his mom, but sometimes that isn’t enough to make him want to stay. The question pops up when Jaemin asks Mark what he’s planning on doing once he graduates._

_“Gotta say I’m not a big fan of this question, Jaem. How about you tell me what you plan on doing first?”_

_“Hm. Well, let’s hope I graduate. Can you believe I’ll be without you for a whole year? I don’t know if I can handle that, who do I eat lunch with?”_

_“Donghyuck? You have lots of friends, Nana.”_

_“Yeah, but they’re not you.”_

_Mark pretends that those words don’t affect him as much as they do. For awhile now he’s been wondering if what he feels for Jaemin is how someone should feel two years into a friendship. He knows he likes both girls and boys, but he doesn’t know if what he’s feeling is short of platonic._

_“Anyway, I’ll figure it out, but to be honest with you, I dunno. Guess I’ll stay here and rot till I die.”_

_“How do you feel about leaving with me?”_

_“Huh?” Jaemin jerks up, the question surprising him._

_“You wanna know what I plan on doing? I plan on getting the fuck out of here. There’s nothing here for me, Nana. Don’t you wanna leave? I wanna leave. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, of course you have a life here as well, but the second we’re both done with high school I’m leaving.”_

_“You’re serious about this?”_

_“As ever.”_

_Mark doesn’t expect Jaemin to join his plan, but that’s exactly what happens._

  
  
  
  
  


“Jaemin isn’t showing, didn’t say why,” is the first thing Mark hears when he steps foot inside Johnny’s place. He ignores the fact that it’s his fault Jaemin isn’t coming anymore, and when the people at the party sees it’s him who’s arrived, they all put two and two together and figure the pair had probably fought before getting here. They’re almost not wrong. Mark wouldn’t call it a fight, but in both scenarios he sucks anyway.

“Hey…” It’s Johnny. “Did you bump into Jaemin on your way here?”

“And what if I did?” Mark’s by the cups to grab himself a drink.

“Mark. We’ve talked about this.”

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I didn’t do anything. If he didn’t wanna show, then he didn’t wanna show. Don’t fuckin’ blame me for everything pertaining to him, alright?”

“But you must’ve said something.”

“Yeah, I did. The truth. It’s what he deserves after what I did.”

Johnny quirks an eyebrow. “So you told him why you left?”

“No. Not yet at least. I’ll tell him when I tell him.”

  
  
  
  
  


+

_Mark disappeared during his penultimate year. He had a year left, but without anyone knowing, he packed his bags and had gone like the wind. At first Jaemin thought maybe he’d come back for him, but when the days turned to weeks and what became months later, he knew Mark wouldn’t be coming back. He had left Mark messages, he doesn’t know if Mark has read them, but that doesn’t matter now. He’d left and there’s quite literally nothing Jaemin can or could do about it._

  
  
  
  
  


Jaemin knows his friends are only hosting gatherings as of late in the hopes of having him and Mark in the same room. It’s dedication on their part, but it’s evident that Mark wants nothing to do with him. He’s leaving again, what’s there to do? The sooner Mark leaves, the sooner everyone can go back to normal, and the sooner Jaemin can go back to not caring.

Jaemin’s been invited to Dejun and Kunhang’s housewarming. The two had debated on it for quite some time now, ultimately they couldn’t not go through with it, the place they found suitable enough for the both of them set at a decent price, and with their work schedules they had barely any time to see each other. Jaemin was almost envious of their love. Jaemin is one of the early arrivers. He greets the happy couple then sort of remains standing there. He wasn’t always like this, normally it’d be easy for him to go and talk to anybody in any social situation, but he’s grown quiet over the years. As more and more people show he tries having a conversation with a few of them, but they look uninterested, says they’ll see Jaemin out there; whatever that means.

Jaemin grabs himself a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, which serves to do nothing, but it’s the only thing they have. He heads to where the back door is, unrealizing Jeno and his group of friends are crowding that area. Once he spots Jeno he spins right back around, but it’s too late, Jeno calls him over. Jaemin reluctantly walks over, he and Jeno weren’t too close to begin with, he doesn’t know what Jeno could want.

“Hey, haven’t seen you in awhile.”

Jaemin knows Jeno didn’t call him over for small talk. “Yeah.”

The door opens and the person who was outside is calling for Jeno. Jaemin shouldn’t be surprised that he’d be caught in a situation like this again. After all, he was only invited to this damn housewarming so that he’d bump into him. Jeno looks back and forth between the two, and before Jaemin knows it he’s being shoved out there with Mark.

“You two should talk. Go be emo together.” Jeno flashes his signature smile which only makes Jaemin roll his eyes.

Once Jeno’s gone Jaemin turns and gets a good look at Mark. The older boy’s clad in a bomber jacket and some khaki pants. He’s also got a beanie on, a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. His nose is tinted red which only serves to remind Jaemin how fucking cold it is out and Jaemin’s jacket is back inside. As if noticing this, Mark begins to fidget, stubs his cigarette in an ashtray and seemingly hesitates on whether he should offer his jacket or not. He opts for the latter (which is not) and moves to take a seat where he was before Jaemin got here. Jaemin doesn’t know where to begin, and why the hell did Dejun and Kunhang only have Smirnoff Ice? He chugs down the rest of the bottle and goes to sit next to Mark.

“I guess it’s time we finally talk, huh?” Mark laughs, but they both know there’s nothing funny about this. It’s evident in the way the look in Mark’s eyes are broken more than anything. It almost makes Jaemin scoff. “I don’t know where to start.”

“How about why you left without any sort of explanation.” After three years, Jaemin is finally getting an explanation. He doesn’t know if he should scream or cry first.

Mark exhales deeply. “I just did, Nana.” No one’s called Jaemin _Nana_ in years. “How do I tell you-- I left because I couldn’t wait anymore. It got to the point that I couldn’t stick around for my own graduation. There was just nothing in this town for me, Jaemin… but you, how was I supposed to take you with me? When you were fine here until I came along. So instead of taking you with me, I made up my mind and packed my bags. Mom didn’t care to stop me, she had stopped caring the second I came out to her and started seeing Jeno. How do I tell you, Na Jaemin, the boy I _love,_ all of this without hurting you more than I already have?”

Jaemin ends up crying first. It’s a little embarrassing crying in front of the boy who was too selfish to stay. However, regardless of how selfish Mark was, Jaemin still cares for the older boy and foolishly so. He doesn’t know what to say. Maybe there’s nothing worth saying.

“Jaemin… please don’t cry. Please say something.”

Jaemin presses the palm of his hands against his lips to stop the sounds of his tears from coming out. He hates that he’s choosing a time like this to be understanding. He hates that he gets it-- coming out is hard enough, and it’s worse when the woman who’s supposed to unconditionally love you chooses to stop based on who you love. He gets that there was nothing here for Mark. _He gets it._ But why does this hurt nonetheless if he gets it? He moves the palm of his hands to wipe away the tears that can’t seem to stop. “Mark, you..” _Stop crying, stop crying,_ he tells himself. “Is there anything to say? You left without a word. I couldn’t even get a text back from you. A little _hey_ would have sufficed. Anything would have sufficed, Mark. But you left, and you’re leaving again so what the fuck do you want me to say, Minhyung?”

Mark doesn’t say anything. By now Jaemin has calmed down but if there’s nothing left to say Jaemin doesn’t see the point in staying out here any longer. As soon as he gets up Mark stops him by grabbing onto his wrist.

“Please. Stay.”

It’s ironic coming from Mark, makes Jaemin want to yank his wrist out of Mark’s grip. Yet, he stays.

“I'm sorry.” Now it’s Mark who’s crying. “I know a sorry could never make up for the past three years. I just-- I know I’m selfish, and I know that because I left without a trace and all I want now is for us to-- I just want you in my life again. I know that’s selfish of me, because you deserve better than a guy who couldn’t even stay, but I want you, Nana.”

Holding grudges has never been Na Jaemin’s thing. Donghyuck had always said that Jaemin was too good, always looking at others through rose colored glasses. That’s how forgiving Mark comes easy, but it doesn’t appease the hurt that’s come with Mark leaving Jaemin behind. “Wanna take me home?”

When the two leave together no one says a word. Jeno had given Mark a look of worry, but Mark’s too amped up on nerves from being in the same room as Jaemin to notice. The drive home is quiet, Jaemin choosing to not say anything until Mark’s parked in front of Jaemin’s place.

“When do you leave?”

“The day after tomorrow…”

Jaemin can only nod his head. “I see.”

“You can come with me, you know?”

“Can I really?” Jaemin looks up at Mark, looks at his eyes for any signs of unsurety. His eyes look hopeful, as if pleading for Jaemin to come with. But it’s not enough for Jaemin. “Have a safe trip back, Minhyung.”

Jaemin gets out of the car and walks away, stumbling a little because his shoelaces are untied. Mark can only watch and wait until Jaemin’s inside. Jaemin turns around, forces a smile and waves Mark goodbye.


End file.
